There are many ways to answer when someone asks, “Who are you?” Most respond with their name. Others, their profession. But more importantly, how do you respond when you ask yourself that question?
Self-awareness is undoubtedly one of the greatest skills a player can have in the Great Game. Self-awareness without direction and purpose, however, leads to chronic aimlessness, anxiety, and submissiveness to others who have a much stronger sense of self.
Since you were born, other people have placed their expectations on you. The world we live in is filled with all kinds of influencers, platforms, and viewpoints that often amounts to a bunch of noise pressuring you one way or another; without knowing who you are or who you want to be, it’s hard to create your own music.
But you’re allowed to be strong, successful, and happy. You’re also allowed to define that for yourself. Growth and adaptation, after all, are parts of the human condition.
With that in mind, before you can set off on your own adventure to grow into the person you crave being, you must start with the most important piece of your puzzle: knowing who you really are.
In this post, we’ll explore the following…
Remaining optimistic and true to yourself in a world of social media algorithms that feed us garbage if we’re not careful.
How following Internet influencers blindly erodes your sense of self — and how to prevent that.
How to take an inventory of who you are and who you want to be.
The basics of planning your own journey to become your ideal self.
The Almighty Algorithm and the Erosion of Social Media
Like other Millennials, I came of age when social media wasn’t so… malignant. The Internet was still a place for people to connect, create content, share information, and make friends from afar.
Unfortunately, the algorithms that used to help us build connections now send us spiraling into echo chambers, separating us from reality. While AI and LLMs have been making headlines with cases of AI-induced psychosis, social media has already been eroding our collective mental health years before that.
It all shifted over the last ten years when social media feed content shifted from updates from friends and channels you subscribe to toward “suggested” content from accounts and brands you’ve never heard of or engaged with.
From the platform owners’ perspective, there wasn’t much money in a user base that enjoys their apps for free. So, algorithmic scoring shifted towards things like user affinity and personality traits so you’re much easier to market to. Wedding announcements from your cousin or pictures of your friend’s trip to Europe get drowned out by short-form content targeted towards you based on your conscious (and unconscious) viewing habits and behavior online.
On the other creator side of the spectrum, search engine and social media platform algorithms rewarded creators who formed niches, favoring content topics that were very specific vs. very general. In a vacuum, the algorithms behaving this way towards content makes sense: the rationale was to promote high-quality, expert-level content while creating a business model for these platforms to charge brands for using feeds to market to people.
The problem is that the algorithms struggle to identify what “high-quality” and “expert-level” mean, instead equating quality with vanity metrics like views, comments, and likes. In other words, if it gets a lot of engagement, it must be high-quality.
And so, the era of ragebait, hot takes, and polarization was born. And because it continues to make money for the platforms as well as algorithm-addicted creators who become the platforms’ whales, there’s no financial incentive to change it.
As a result, content creators who rely on ad revenue have to become more extreme to remain relevant. It’s why video game streamers turn to fringe (and poorly thought-out) political commentary and why bot farms spread misinformation to rile up users to boost the perceived performance of the original poster’s content.
All the while, you just want to learn from, be entertained by, or connect with the people you’re following. Instead, your feed is flooded by a never-ending parade of charlatans, loud-mouthed bots, and losers with half-baked opinions.
Mind you, there’s nothing wrong with creating content or using social media to build a business or brand. But modern algorithms fail the average person… and the average person isn’t aware of what the algorithms are feeding them, or why, or how to change that.
Because of this, the Internet and the Great Game have become less about mutual growth, curiosity, and creating value. Now, it’s all zero-sum tomfoolery that violates one of the rules of the Game with people fighting over attention and clout, hoping the algorithm blesses them with going viral and the potential opportunities that come with it. And in that violation, it’s no wonder so many people feel so miserable so often.
For now, social media remains a battlefield strewn with bot accounts, morons with digital megaphones, and low-quality slop meant to get your brain to squirt just enough dopamine to crave more. But just like the food you eat, managing your media diet and the thoughts you let take root in the garden of your mind will help you answer those questions.
Though where do you look for self-help you can trust with so much digital noise?
What Modern Self-Help Gets Wrong
There’s no shortage of self-help content. From books to social media influencers to podcasts to videos, everyone has an opinion on how to be better, do better, look better, and feel better. When all you know is you want something different, any option is better. And when all you feel is dread when you think about your trajectory, it’s hard not to listen to anyone who dulls that pain.
It’s easy to confuse high production value with high-quality advice. Just because someone has over a million followers doesn’t mean they’re worth listening to. And just because someone says what you want to hear doesn’t mean it’s what you need to hear to become the person you want to be. Indeed, a healthy amount of skepticism (even with this article and everything you read of mine) is necessary to find your own way.
Sure, there are plenty people who earnestly want to help others and who’ve done a lot of good by inspiring others to be the best versions of themselves. But there’s also a lot of people whose advice sounds good but is often twisted for various reasons.
Here are a few examples of common self-help tropes to think about deeper:
Everyone should be an entrepreneur/business owner/self-employed. Hard no. There are a lot of people who own businesses that really shouldn’t because of how they readily defraud their customers and exploit their staff and too many “entrepreneurs” on the Forbes 30 under 30 one year that turn out to be white collar grifters the next. Instead, everyone should strive to find work that balances what they’re skilled at, what they’re passionate about, what people need, and what people will pay them for (the Japanese call this ikigai and it’s one of the core principles behind Start 2 Continue’s ethos). This can be through self-employment, but working for someone else is just as valid if it checks all those boxes.
Masculinity is measured by how “alpha” you are. As a 30-something guy, I can’t tell you how often social media tried to indoctrinate me into what being a man really means. The irony is that most of the guys who make this kind of content are the last person you should take advice from. No nice person needs to tell you they’re nice, no strong person needs to tell you they’re strong, and no man secure in himself needs to remind you how masculine he is. Instead (and regardless of gender expression), accept your flaws and trauma for what they are, identify what you can change about them, and work on them slowly and consistently. Besides, it’s more powerful to show progress than just talk.
Things aren’t working because you aren’t grinding hard enough. Even if you have good inputs, if the system is broken, it’ll never create a good output. Don’t confuse being busy with being productive. That isn’t to say everything should come easy either; that’s not how the world works. Instead, identify what’s working and why it’s working, then identify what isn’t and why it’s not. There is no nobility in needless suffering and grinding yourself to dust because you want to prove how hard you’re working.
All you need to do is just believe in abundance. Mindset is important, but it’s useless without action. While I’m a big fan of abundance-focused mindsets, you need to be consistent in the pursuit of your goals. So, instead of just putting out good vibes and hoping to receive them back, you need to do things as well. Talk without action is just noise.
You don’t owe anyone anything. I’d argue you owe everyone in your life everything. You owe the people who loved you, even when you mistreated them and made it difficult; you owe the people who were shitty to you because, even though you don’t have to maintain a relationship with them (I wouldn’t), they gave you the lesson of who and how you shouldn’t be. Instead, if you want a village, you have to be willing to be a villager in others’ villages too. If not, what you actually want is a cult.
You can just do things. This is a line I love but it’s all too often taken out of context. Yes, you can just do things, but that doesn’t mean you should not be mindful of consequences. It’s not free license to be a self-absorbed dick. Instead, understand this phrase as a reminder that you shouldn’t hold yourself back from your potential or the good things you want to do, whether it’s out of fear of judgment or embarrassment and awkwardness that comes with trying something new.
So… Who Are You?
How many times have you thought about this question from solely your point of view? Not with the expectations of your parents, partners, friends, or influencers, just… on your own, in the quiet of your own mind?
Regardless, let’s do a little exercise to play around with the concept of you, both at present, and who you want to be in the future.
If you’re unhappy with where you’re at, this exercise will allow you to take an honest look at yourself, all the good as well as the bad. Though some of it might make you cringe, it’s only through owning every part of your identity that you shape it into something you’d prefer and feel much happier about.
To start, grab a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. The first column should be who you are now; the second column, who you want to be.
Next, fill in the details of each set of attributes row by row, starting with the first column’s attributes, then the second’s.
Physical attributes: your age, your build (you can include measurables like weight or height or qualitative things like tall or short), and other physical characteristics you feel are important.
Social attributes: your social circle including your family, friends, and local community as well as your national identity. This can also include social habits or personality traits such as being intro- or extroverted or preferring living in a small town vs. a big city.
Cultural and philosophical attributes: the belief systems you have about yourself and the world around you. This can relate to your religious or political views as well as a specific cultural identity — or, the lack thereof if you’re atheist and apolitical. Ultimately, this forms your “why” and what defines a good life worth living and morally good or bad actions based on these views (and how well your current actions are aligning with your beliefs).
Professional attributes: your skills, work experience, and education. This can also relate to your creative passion, the thing inside you that you feel called to do, whether for work or as a hobby (a skill is a skill, regardless of how it’s used).
Financial attributes: your spending habits, savings, and other monetary resources. This also relates to materialist things such as housing, clothing, and furniture. Ultimately, do you have the physical stuff you want that’ll make you feel comfortable?
Again, when writing this out, be as honest as possible, even if you feel uncomfortable. By taking an honest account of where you’re at and comparing it to where you want to be, you’ll find the starting points to focus on in your journey to becoming your ideal self.
Plotting the Course to Personal Growth
So what do you do with all this information you just laid out about yourself? If you’re happy with where you’re at and there’s a lot of alignment between the two columns, you might not have much to change and you’re already living a pretty satisfied life.
However, if you find that there’s a pretty big difference between the two columns or you find yourself not dreaming as big as you’d like, this list is the start of your roadmap to get to where you want to be and become the person you want to be.
To begin charting that path, consider the following:
Are you being honest about who you are, where you’re at, and what you want? Are you being fair in your assessment of yourself and your wants and needs through your own lens, not the lens or expectations of the world and people already, no matter how well-meaning? Take time to reflect on your answers and change them as needed; give it a few days or a week to settle and check it again. Once you feel confident that you were as honest as you could be, you can start working on the next questions.
Why do you feel the need to change? Is it because you’re not making enough money? Do you hate your job? Are you in the physical shape you want to be in or living in the place you want to? Do you have a belief system you buy into or are these beliefs outdated or in conflict with what you want to do? Or, despite being content, do you find yourself bored and understimulated, wanting a new adventure? Again, you’re allowed to be content and happy, but if you’re not, make sure that these feelings are grounded, identifying their causes and making sure that they’re not being imposed on you by external forces like other people.
What major obstacles are in the way? What’s kept you from walking this new path? For instance, if you want to be a software developer but don’t know how to code, that would be rather large barrier to overcome. By listing out these obstacles, you can then find patterns between them and better prioritize how you handle them.
What people, resources, and skills do you have to make the journey easier? Conversely, who and what do you have in your corner that’ll speed up your progress? You might not know how to code, but having a buddy who knows how and can share resources to help you get started is much better than trying to figure it out all by yourself.
Once you reflect on these questions in context to the list you’ve made, you should feel like you have a much stronger understanding of yourself, both who you are and who you want to be.
Despite the digital noise and anxiety we’re immersed in, there’s still a lot to be said about having the strength and understanding to know yourself. And sure, it’s a question you’ll spend a lifetime trying to answer, but if you’ve struggled to find words for it that felt right, hopefully this was the first time you were able to. If not, explore why that’s difficult; the answer might surprise you and give you insight that will unlock growth you didn’t think possible.
You owe it to yourself to know and own who you are by your own definition.
Game in thumbnail: Disco Elysium (ZA/UM)