When life feels overwhelming, our natural inclination is to get through the pain as quickly as possible. We’ll do whatever we can to get that discomfort to stop. For some, it’s mindlessly scrolling and consuming content. For others, it’s indulging in various substances whether they’re food, drugs, alcohol, or endorphins from working out (less to improve ourselves and more to numb the pain).
Our world and existence within the Great Game has always been a societal masquerade. And so we’re tempted to find quick fixes to our problems and pains, in part, to present ourselves better to others we want to impress, whether that’s our parents, our peers, or authorities we look up to or fear. With social media, technology (especially LLMs like Claude and ChatGPT), and a neverending onslaught of stressors to get us to be performative, we seem to have lost the plot of the human play we all find ourselves in.
That plot can be boiled down into a simple truth: if you want success and happiness, it is better to be these things rather than simply perceived as having them. While it might be tempting or even seem easier to wear the mask and focus only on dampening existential discomfort, you’ll find the mask will get heavier as the problem only becomes worse.
While I know this is a heavy topic, accepting that truth is necessary for you to find the life you want (and, frankly, for any game theory to work sustainably and effectively). Luckily, even though acknowledgement may sting initially, the sting is no more than ripping off the layers of bandages you’ve put over a wound that might not have required bandages to begin with.
The real remedy to what ails you is a mix of self-honesty, vulnerability, and patience, qualities everyone has but could stand to practice more.
Before we get into this, I’ll disclaim that I’m not here to fill a perceived void nor am I judging you or think that you’re broken. I have no interest in preying on insecurity and convincing you that you’re not enough as you are. You’ve always been enough.
But if you want things to get better, we need to see them (and ourselves) first as they are. If you’re not used to this kind of work, it’s going to suck but so is starting any kind of new labor we’re not familiar with. However, I promise that by the time you’re done reading this, you’ll feel a little stronger and more able to start the day, no matter what life throws at you.
In this post, we’ll explore the following…
Why ignoring problems and the potential short-term pain of fixing them only makes things worse.
How to stop past trauma from affecting your present and future.
Learn how to break down overwhelming obstacles into easier tasks.
Giving yourself permission to ask for help and allow yourself to heal.
The Real Cost of Ignoring the Wounds You Don’t See
It might be tempting to turn your attention away from your problems. A common lie we tell ourselves is that if there’s no pain, there’s no problem. But we forget that pain is a useful signal, prompting us to take a different course of action. Without physical pain, how would we know a stove is hot? Without emotional pain, how would we know how much we cared about someone or something we lost?
You probably know what it’s like to have scraped your knee or bloodied an elbow. Maybe you nicked yourself while cutting veggies for dinner the other night. The initial injury causes pain, but what happens if you ignore the wound?
Without treating it, you increase the chances for infection; depending on how bad the wound is, where it is, what you expose it to, and how long you ignore it, that chance for things getting worse keeps going up. And as it gets worse, the pain gets worse. The worse the pain gets, the more you try to numb it.
But let’s rewind the clock. Treating the injury sometimes causes more pain. The sting of the antiseptic, the rawness and inflammation of the tissue, the slight throbbing of a bandage that’s a little too tight (and the pulling of skin from the adhesive as you reset it). However, cleaning and dressing the wound allows it to heal properly. If you’re lucky, it might not even leave a visible scar.
While this is a decent visual example, it’s difficult to gauge the progress of invisible pains: insecurity, posturing, becoming overwhelmed from all the things we should’ve done but didn’t, allowing ourselves to be buried in work and stress that continue to pile on. Instead of addressing the problems for what they are, we distract ourselves with doomscrolling, vices, and wishful thinking that if we just ignore the problem hard enough, it’ll eventually go away.
If you ever feel like you’re constantly trying to put out fires and they keep coming back, no matter how hard you’re trying, this is a sign of an infected problem. No amount of bandaging is going to fix it until you bring everything back under control.
While uncomfortable, it’s relatively better to address the root causes as short-term pain will yield long-term growth and healing. Scar tissue knits back more resilient, calluses harden your skin against friction, and muscles grow from resistance that causes microscopic tears that heal back stronger. The term “growing pains” exists for a reason as discomfort and progress are inseparable.
Past Trauma Doesn’t Define Your Present or Future
Much like physical injuries, psychological and emotional trauma can cause chronic pain. What used to make you happy feels sapped of its joy. Little things that used to just annoy you have become unbearable now. As time passes, these feelings (and the thoughts they stem from) reinforce themselves. Even when you want to change, you might reflexively hold yourself back as you try to define your worth by the depth of the suffering you’ve grown used to and that addressing that might render all that suffering meaningless (that’s sunk cost fallacy, fallacy being the operative word).
When it comes to healing this pain, the most common advice is to change your mindset. Look at the positives, practice gratitude, ground yourself in prayer, meditation, or meaningful work, give yourself grace… the list goes on. And while this is good advice, on its own, it’s another partial treatment without addressing the deeper wound. In this case, what needs healing is your nervous system (mind you, this isn’t a medical assessment, but if you feel your pulse quicken and chest feel tighter as you think about the trauma holding you back, that is, indeed, a learned physical response).
As the trauma crystalized in you, each episode of depression and anxiety, every intrusive thought cycle, negative reaction, and act of second-guessing was slowly training your nervous system’s reactions. That’s why positive thinking isn’t enough on its own and why it feels so hard to break these habits, even when you’re trying to address them. Relying solely on gratitude and positive thinking is possible, but exceptionally difficult.
But you can still heal, no matter how long you’ve carried this pain. It will be difficult to address, but the difficulty of properly allowing yourself to heal, both in mind and body, gets easier as you practice and remain patient. You’re allowed to heal at your own rate; rushing won’t change the time and energy you need.
The first step is letting go of the notion that things can’t get better. You need to let go of any feeling that you deserve these negative feelings or the pain that comes with them. Those now-default thoughts and habits are simply your nervous system craving familiarity, even if familiarity right now feels like a personal hell. Still, it doesn’t need to be like this.
Turning Mountains into Molehills
Once you believe things can change for the better, the real work can begin. While this can be overwhelming to think about, no matter the obstacles, they can be broken down and eroded into smaller, more manageable chunks.
Like all moves in the Great Game, the basis for this work comes from game theory:
Name the problem.
Identify four goals you can accomplish within 12 months that work on solving the problem.
Choose 5-8 non-negotiables to help set new habits that carry you towards your goals and remove obstacles that make that pathway more difficult.
List a few strategies to act on those goals, starting with the easiest first.
An example of how to implement these steps can be found through the 0→1BrC series I’m writing about with the very first entry being a thorough guide for each bullet point. But while that challenge follows the same formula, it differs slightly from the one above with the last bullet point: start with the easiest strategies first.
When trying to make a change that has a lot of emotional weight to it, especially after identifying and addressing long-lived trauma, efficiency isn’t nearly as important as taking the first steps. Just like physical therapy after an accident, trying to go back into something at 100% may cause setbacks or even further injury. Therefore, it’s smart to start small, be patient, and accept that things might not always go according to your preferred schedule.
Still, there are always things you can do to make progress and pass the time, no matter how small those steps are. And remember, rest is also a part of the work.
With that in mind, by naming the problem, letting go of the negative thoughts holding you back, and breaking down this obstacle into smaller, even comically easy pieces, you’ll slowly build back your confidence, strength, and appetite for challenge, building momentum as you do.
Being Kind to Yourself is a Strength, not a Weakness
Again, I know today’s content is a bit heavier than usual. However, all too often when we’re strategizing and planning goals, we focus solely on the technical elements: what needs to be done, what’s in our way, what is the timeline, what resources do we have and still need? But in focusing only on those material bits, we forget the emotional and psychological parts that hold us back: believing ourselves capable of moving forward, deserving of success, or that, because of past failure or misgivings with others, we’re just setting ourselves up for more heartbreak.
This is something that I’ve been needing to learn too. Lately, my own journey can be summed up with a quote I found as I was scrolling social media: “The Universe meets us at the depth of our surrender, not the height of our struggle.” To me, it was a reminder of letting go of the pain and those I blamed for it (the surrender) and realizing the healing comes from grace, not fighting for its own sake and trying to control everything (the struggle).
No matter your own struggles and obstacles holding you back, this lesson remains universal in character arcs like this: you deserve to give yourself grace and to be kind to yourself, even if the world and some of its people have been unkind to you.
Moreover, being kind to yourself, being empathetic, letting go of the pain you’ve been carrying for so long, forgiving yourself and those who have hurt you… all of these factors are undervalued and underestimated. After all, how can we build strong systems — whether that’s a career, a family life, a business, a community, or even our belief in ourselves — if we allow doubt from past, untreated wounds to rot at our foundation? And while being honest about those wounds is a sharp sting in and of itself, it’s necessary in order to heal.
And you do deserve to heal.
Just take it one day at a time. You’re allowed to go slow, especially if that means feeling the progress and peace you’ve wanted for so long.
And in case you need to hear it: you got this… and if you’re struggling and feel like you don’t, all you need to do is ask for help when you’re ready.
You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Game in thumbnail: Total War: Attila (Creative Assembly)
NOTES
Can’t ignore problems
Addressing self-victimhood and past trauma
Trauma doesn’t define you nor gives you permission to be a jerk
Link to: 0=>1BrC 1, body section 1, last paragraph